On May 15, 2013, I lost my twin babies at only 16 weeks into my pregnancy. My water broke and I was admitted into the hospital only to develop a fever and infection that evening, and I woke up in labor the next morning. As I was receiving my epidural I delivered my twins and they were already gone. Baby A had a lot of health issues that we weren’t aware of when he was in the womb and we used that to justify our loss – nature took over and God made the decision for us. We were thankful for the time we had with them and prayed for better luck with the next pregnancy.
For New Year’s Day 2014, my husband and I were excited to announce that I was again pregnant with a singleton this time. All was going well until I woke up with horrible contractions at 22 weeks pregnant. Again I was admitted into the hospital and again my water broke, but labor didn’t start and they started me on antibiotics immediately to avoid any sort of infection. An ultrasound showed that our little monkey still had some amniotic fluid and was doing just fine, so I was put on bed rest in an extended stay room in the hospital and monitored 24/7.
We met with doctors from NICU and our high-risk specialist and decided that we had to make it to 24 weeks in order to justify keeping our baby alive. Anything below that the odds were against him and the survival rate was only at 10% – and even if he did, he would probably have a myriad of health problems and that’s not what we wanted for him. We couldn’t be selfish if it meant a hard life for him, that wouldn’t be fair.
I settled in for a long stay in the hospital, making plans on bringing my home office to my hospital room so I could keep my mind busy. Unfortunately, we only made it to 22 weeks and 6 days.
That morning, I woke up and went to bathroom and felt something. Doctors and nurses rushed in to find that the umbilical cord had made it’s way through my cervix and was hanging out of me. It was only a matter of time at that point before we’d lose him. Either labor would start and I would deliver him alive and he would pass in my arms, or his life would be cut off from the pressure on the cord and he would pass before delivery. His healthy heart rate of 150 bpm had already decreased to 90 bmp, and it was at that point that we decided to induce labor and just get it over with. We had lost the battle and there was no use dragging it on any further.
Labor was induced and finally started that evening, and at 9:28 pm on March 28, 2014, I gave birth to our little monkey, who had thankfully passed at some point during the day. It was the most beautiful and amazing experience of my life, and also the most devastating and hurtful. He was perfect and he was beautiful, and I don’t know the reason why this happened. We’ll meet with our doctor next week and maybe something from my test results will shed light on the why in this situation, but until then we just don’t know. We spent time with him that evening and said our goodbyes, and I will hold those hours close to my heart for the rest of my life.
Last year after our loss, I created the Tiny Angels 5K, a virtual event I will hold annually on October 15th in support of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. From the amazing comments and messages I received during both of our losses, I know I’m not the only one who has been through this and our first annual event on October 15, 2013 was amazing – the posts, the support, the love…it was more than I ever could have expected.
Last year working out and setting goals is also what helped me recover, and I plan on doing the same this year. For whatever reason setting goals and making calendars just makes sense to me, and it helps me focus and get through periods of time. On April 21st I will be starting a 90 day round of Les Mills Pump and I will also get back to running with the Ease into 5K program (and I welcome you all to join me, just send me a message on Facebook). I’ve set my weight loss goal for the year at 50 pounds, which will put me back at my “normal” weight and get rid of all weight that I put on during our fertility treatments over the past couple of years. I’ve lost 25 pounds of what I’ve put on and bounced around with that between my pregnancies, but it’s time to lose it for good this time. I took my ‘before’ pictures and stats on April 1st and set up my monthly calendars for the rest of the year.
I’ve set up milestone rewards for myself, too. My first is signing up (again – I had to cancel when my water broke due to timing restrictions for testing) for the Personal Training Certification program through NASM when I reach my pre-pregnancy weight. I’m very excited to complete this program so I can offer even more to all of my followers in addition to what I already offer through Beachbody.
In January we’re going to try again. My husband and I have been through a lot over this last year but we’re not giving up, we can’t. I appreciate all of the comments, messages, and support we’ve received from all of my followers – some friends, some strangers, but all part of my amazing “fitness family” that means the world to me.
If you’ve suffered from a similar loss, I invite you to follow my journey on my Facebook page and know that I’m here if you need to talk. I invite you to join in our upcoming Tiny Angels 5K on October 15th and celebrate the time you had with your angel, no matter how brief. I invite you to set your own goals and start living your life again. It’s hard, I know – I’m going into my second week at home and I can’t get through the day without crying. It’s so hard to imagine that everything we’ve been planning for is just gone…and we have no say in the matter. The pain never goes away. And I tell you all of this knowing that I’m still not there either, I don’t know when I’ll be “normal” again – but you better believe I’m going to try like hell to get out of this empty hole I’m in.
Know that you’re not alone and that life does go on. You just need to find a way to live it. ♥